My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize