she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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