im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
