She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dicks are not precious.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
