oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
