I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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