his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
