The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
