Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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