And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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