Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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