my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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