no, he came in my armpit
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
