all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
