Porn is love you can see.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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