i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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