You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
