I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
