I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
