I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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