i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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