Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
