I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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