TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
