Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
