my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
