Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
