Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have aggressive nipples.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
