I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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