dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
