There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
