It's a beautiful day for a hangover
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
