it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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