I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
