the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His hands were made for my vagina.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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