they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
