she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
