Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
