there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
