So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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