after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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