I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
