make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
