Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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