but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
