i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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