Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
