I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
