I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
