I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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