i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
