She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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