i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
