Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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