That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
