we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
