apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
