Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just took my morning after pill in the library
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
