You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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