you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
