onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
