I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
