Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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