Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I didn't notice because vodka
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Help. Why am I so naked?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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