honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
