After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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