I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
